My life as a remake of an ancient Greek myth.
Goal: Remit money to an American bank account.
Step 1: Get Korean bank account.
Korean coworker is instructed by boss to take me to the Korean bank at the beginning of the year. I lay out the desirables: basic checking account, internet banking, English language customer service, ability to remit. We arrive at the bank and she sends me to the teller on my own, saying 와이팅!! (“Fighting!” This word is basically “You can do it!” but has come to be associated in my mind with “I’m screwed.”).
Step 2: Get internet banking.
Wait until enough time has passed that your boss will let you leave after class to go to the bank. This turns out to be three months. Within that time from, going to bank = docking hours from my vacation time. Welcome to Korea!
Step 3: Log on.
Pull open Chrome. Go to Nonghyup internet banking. Insert digital security certificate USB. Input passcode. Click “???? ?? ?? ??? ?” on every box (approximately 123812 of them) that pops up. In field marked “???????? ????????????????? ????” input password. Repeat process until you reach a page with about twenty fields labeled variously “???????????? ???” and “???????? ??? ?? ????????????”. Give up.
Step 4: Realize you have to install Internet Explorer, because of some obscure and ancient South Korean internet security law. Laugh away, my friends. Laugh away.
Step 5: Gather your strength.
It has scattered all over the classroom and will be needed. Go pick up the pieces and put your strength back together.
Step 6: Pull up the Microsoft Download Center.
It’s in Korean. Click on random things until English appears! Hooray!
Step 7: Download the .exe file.
Step 8: Find the .exe file on your computer, which is navigable in Korean. COME OUT COME OUT WHEREVER YOU ARE, .EXE FILE!!
Step 9: Run the file.
Uh-oh, the program tries to execute, but then it tells you you must have Microsoft Service Pack 3 or higher.
Step 10: Repeat steps 5 to 9 with the download .exe for Service Pack 3.
Uh-oh, the program tries to execute, but then it tells you you must have Internet Explorer 5 or higher.
At this point you are feeling very ??? ????????? ???????? in your feelz.
Step 11: Find a computer with Internet Explorer already on it. This is your laptop. Unfortunately there is a 99% chance that your computer is too new for this edition to be remotely compatible with Korea. Gather your strength and try anyways.
Step 12: Log on to Nonghyup internet banking.
Step 13: Click “??????? ?????” on the various things that pop up. Three of these will install things on your computer that not even a Korean will be able to help you with, because instead of Korean everything is written in some strange language made entirely of question marks. Beats me.
Step 14: If done properly, the browser now displays lots of things in Korean, with two words in English: “Global Banking.” CLICK THEM. CLICK THEM AS IF YOUR LIFE DEPENDS ON IT. Actually, given your mental state at this point, your life pretty much does depend on it. Otherwise you will devolve into a psychotic mess.
Step 15: ENGLISH. YES. FOR REAL. ENGLISH. OH BLESS THE LORD MY SOUL SINGS OUT WITH JOY TO THE WORLD THE LORD HAS COME.
Just kidding, don’t be happy. The only reason your website is now in English is to taunt you with how close you are.
Step 16: Click on your account number.
Now, this is very, very, very important. DO NOT under any circumstances try to pull up your statement or search your transactions or perform a transfer. The site tells you these are options. IT’S A TRAP. It will suck you in, much like quicksand, as you squirm through trying to accomplish a simple task. Each time the website will tell you some input or other is incorrect. You will select your account from the drop-down menu a million times, and only one of those times will it be recognized. Save your mental strength.
Step 17: Proceed to the subheading for foreign remittances.
Step 18: Fill in all required fields. Note that there are too many fields. Fields that will be required before you can submit. But these fields are not information you have. You can only fill in the fields for American banks, but there are other fields that simply do not apply… yet the system requests you provide inputs!
Step 19: Weep. Silently. Loudly. Wail. And give up.
Step 20: Hear rumor of Korea Exchange Bank accounts set up specifically to help foreigners accomplish this.
Step 21: Repeat steps 1 to 19. Estimated time of wait until you will be allowed to go to the bank without your vacation time being docked: February 24, 2014.
Step 22: Repeat steps 1 to 19 on a closed loop.
For more information, please see http://www.accesstoinsight.org/lib/authors/thanissaro/samsara.html
Sleepy in Cheongju 